December 2007

Every time I venture out I see someone with a shaved head. No problem until they see me. And I can see it. That look in their eye. Like it’s some kind of fraternity. For people who don’t know me this is the reason I shave my head. I am follicle-ly challenged. I am uninterested in sporting a reverse beard especially after the top part of my head was giving my the 411 on its potential recession many moons ago. Hey, bald headed freak. Stop staring at me like you’re going to hug me and say “Bald Headed Brotherhood For Life!”

I have been keeping an eye of the Republican and Democratic urination contests to figure who is most “qualified” to run for the Presidency. I am happy to say, I will be voting again for no one and will reserve my votes for the baseball All-Star game for 2008. There, my vote does count because who I vote for always gets in except when I wrote in for Kevin Youkilis.

Speaking of these contests, what this country needs is Charles Barkley for President.

When I drive by Brown University, I always see some students with the signs: “Honk To Stop The War In Iraq,” or something along those lines. Right, like this would work. Me, honking the horn. If it did work, I would love to see someone with a sign, “Honk To Rid The World Of Idiots.” I’d lay on that damn thing sun up through sundown!

You have to love those advertisements that say FREE GIFT. As if a gift wasn’t anything but free.

I wonder if calling unwanted junk mail Spam, is “racist” towards SPAM?

Do you love when you say “Hi! How are you doing?” to someone and they go into a rant on how they are doing? The aforementioned phrase is a salutation only! No one cares how you are doing.

This pure silliness of holidays irritates me. If someone wishes me a Merry Christmas, I won’t get upset and say “I’m not a Christian,” in a whiny voice. I’ll reply, “Merry Christmas to you too!” There are those among us who get bent out of shape over the wrong delivery of a holiday salutation. Are you freakin’ kidding me? Are you a living, breathing grinch?! I cannot stand politically correct. I can’t stand it! This is such an ass-kiss society. I could care less if a Jewish person said Happy Hanukkah to me. I’d say it right back. It’s the holiday season people. Can you tone down or better yet power down your politically ass-kissin’ eeeeerrrr! correct program from the day after Thanksgiving to the second of January. Then if you want to go back into robot mode, after the second, go for it. Just don’t spoil the holiday season for us normal people.

You got to love these clothing companies, no names mentioned, GAP, that never had a clue children were being used in the manufacturing of their gear. Imagine that? This has been going on not only for decades but centuries. All of sudden in the last 10-15 years someone got a clue? Did Kathy Lee Gifford forward them a memo? I wonder if one of these kids would enjoy the paycheck the CEOs of these clothing companies receives. Bringing new meaning to “your dollar can feed a child for a month.”

I get a lil’ irritated when I fill out this silly Coordination of Benefits Questionnaire from Healthmate. FOLD HERE. That’s right. As if I am origamically challenged. I am clueless and lacking the know how of folding a piece of paper 3 ways. Then it hits me. Not everyone is Asian or part-Asian. And not everyone knows how to make paper airplanes.

The holiday season softens this Angry Half-Asian Man. He becomes somewhat, half-angry.